Joe Brandon had an exceptional year, the first of many to come.
And you thought 2021 would be a cakewalk after the mess we suffered through in 2020? Barry O’Bama warned us not to underestimate Joe’s ability to f*** things up, but far too many voters ignored his admonition.
Our new president came into office with a weaponized incompetence that, with amazing speed, reversed everything good that had been done in the prior four years. At year’s end we’re up to our necks in a steaming pile of crime, inflation, and COVID panic with more than two million illegal aliens as the cherry on top.
A lot of us reacted by chanting “F*** Joe Biden,” switching to “Let’s Go Brandon” only when in polite company. Old Joe proved that he has the reverse Midas touch: Everything he touches turns to fecal matter. And, despite everything else, there was almost enough political chicanery and everyday idiocy to make it an amusing year.
January
On New Year’s Day, the Noo Yawk Times reported a “technological signal” that emanated from Proxima Centauri, the star closest to our sun. The transmission was very short, indicating it might have been the first interstellar butt-dial.
One of the NYT’s favorite libs, San Francisco Mayor London Breed, sought to adapt Noo Yawk’s parking regulations to her city’s biggest problem, mandated alternate side of the street defecating on weekdays.
House Speaker Wile E. Pelosi banned gender-specific pronouns such as “he,” “she,” “mother,” “father,” and a whole bunch more. The first violation of her ban occurred when Cong. Emanuel Cleaver ended the first prayer of the new Congress with, “Amen and Awoman.” PETA tweeted that calling people names such as “pig” and “dog” demeaned animals (especially when used to describe members of Congress).
The European Union announced that insects were safe to eat, making it possible for ground grubs to be used in flour to enrich it with protein. The French went much further by announcing that restaurants would begin serving truffled grasshoppers. Not to be outdone, the Brits said their new snack staple would be crickets and chips. PETA didn’t object.
The Black Lives Matter movement, which led hundreds of “mostly peaceful” demonstrations in 2020 costing several lives and tens of billions of dollars in damage, was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize.
Because she lacks the artistic talent of Hunter Biden, Ella Emhoff — the rather homely stepdaughter of Veep Kammy Harris — was given a modeling contract about a week after Biden and Harris were inaugurated.
California Gov. Gavin Nuisance — facing a probable recall vote — suddenly decided that the “science” compelled him to end the lockdowns affecting millions of citizens and thousands of businesses.
February
In the first clear explanation of Joe Biden’s election victory a study co-sponsored by the NCAA and the Pentagon found that one-third of Americans were walking around in a zombie-like state caused by stress and lack of sleep.
Sarah Thomas became the first woman to officiate at a Super Bowl. At one point, she threw a penalty flag but refused to tell the players what they did wrong.
Hunter Biden’s memoir was listed as the #1 best seller by Amazon in the category of Chinese biographies. Meanwhile Ms. Tessica Brown of Louisiana, having run out of hairspray, sprayed Gorilla Glue on her hair, giving a new meaning to the term “hair perm.” Ms. Brown is not a descendant of Stephen Hawking.
I took my Tag Heuer diver’s watch in to a local jeweler to get a new battery. The cuties behind the counter told me the process would take two weeks because they had to quarantine my watch before it could be worked on. I had a new battery installed elsewhere about fifteen minutes later.
The Oregon Department of Education recommended that elementary school teachers take a course called “Pathway to Math Equity” so that they could restrain themselves from teaching racism, capitalism, imperialism, and white supremacy culture, all of which the woke educrats insist are part of math instruction.
Teachers, according to this nonsense, are encouraged to give quizzes to which there is more than one right answer (as if that were mathematically possible). The course also says that requiring kids to show their work and get the right answer are “manifestations” of racism. Balancing checkbooks, doing your taxes and selling Girl Scout cookies, all of which require arithmetic, are obviously racist acts.
Mr. Lawrence Anderson of Oklahoma, demonstrating poor taste, confessed to killing his neighbor and then eating her heart with some potatoes, rather than some fava beans and a nice chianti.
The International Volleyball Federation was forced to cancel a match in Qatar when women’s beach volleyball tournament players withdrew from the competition. They did so because the Muslim nation insisted that the gals wear long-sleeved shirts and long pants instead of bikinis.
March
The Air Force Academy announced it would open a “safe space” called the “Diversity and Inclusion Reading Room” in its library for snowflake cadets seeking shelter from things that might “trigger” them such as learning how to fly and fight. The Biden administration celebrated the first anniversary of “two weeks to flatten the curve.”
Deciding they didn’t like to eat green eggs and ham, the Loudoun County, Virginia School Board refused to include books by Dr. Seuss in the “Read Across America” program for elementary school kids. Always eager to follow someone, President Biden also canceled Dr. Seuss from Read Across America.
I grade Biden each week for another publication. At that point, I wrote:
I do not like your executive orders
I do not like your open borders
I do not like your Iran nuke plan
I do not like it, Joe my man
When you canceled Dr. Seuss
It proved you have a screw that’s loose
And when you echo Tony Fauci
All you do is make me grouchy
You will never get a grade from me
That’s any higher than a D
At least until you earn it, see?
I do not like your stuff so far,
I do not like it, you’re no star.
Around that time, Looney Tunes characters Pepé Le Pew and Speedy Gonzales were “canceled,” the former for “promoting rape culture” and the latter for cultural stereotyping, racism, and exceeding the 55 mph speed limit.
The California Department of Education proposed an ethnic studies model curriculum in which elementary schoolchildren learn to chant belief in Aztec gods including Tezcatlipoka, whose believers honored him with human sacrifice. PETA heartily approved.
Colorado’s gay governor Jared Polis, whose partner is a vegan, wanted to discourage people from eating meat, so he proclaimed March 20 to be “Meat Out Day.” Twenty-four of the state’s 64 counties responded by declaring “Meat In” day, and thousands of restaurants and meat vendors offered deep discounts on steaks, burgers, and ribs.
House Speaker Wile E. Pelosi proclaimed that illegal immigrants to the U.S. are the “true and legitimate heirs” of our Founding Fathers. Meanwhile Meghan Markle, who had found it too difficult to be a princess, reportedly was planning to run for president in 2024. As the month ended, the Babylon Bee reported that Sesame Street had introduced a new white male Muppet named Todd, who would henceforth be blamed for everything.
April
The stream of sexual harassment complaints against Noo Yawk Guv Andrew Cuomo came at such a great rate that the state legislature had to establish a telephone hotline (212-450-3600) to handle them all.
CNN’s chief fake news broadcaster, Jim Acosta, was asked by a CNN anchor if he felt “rundown.” Acosta said of himself and other faux journalists, “I think we’re all dealing with some post-Trump stress disorder.” White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki said she’d welcome Dan Rather to the White House press room. She must have figured that Rather, the aged clown prince of fake news, could still teach Acosta a thing or two.
Boosting Biden’s new “infrastructure” plan, which is more or less Cutie-Cortez’s “Green New Deal,” Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg said, “There is racism physically built into some of our highways…” Asphalt, being black, can’t be racist, but the speed limit is discriminatory against Porsches of color.
Noo Yawk Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand tried to redefine “infrastructure,” in an attempt to justify the latest exercise in federal spending porn. She said, “Paid leave is infrastructure. Child care is infrastructure. Caregiving is infrastructure.” Oh, yeah? Then so are Paul Garmirian cigars, exercise equipment, and Italian red wine.
Corporate donors to the Black Lives Matter movement took heart from the report that a good chunk of their money was used by BLM leader and self-proclaimed Marxist, Patrisse Khan-Cullors, to purchase three homes for herself valued at about $3 million including a $1.4 million home in a ritzy LA neighborhood.
Los Angeles instituted its new “BYOF” policy (bring your own fork), mandating that restaurants not give patrons napkins or plastic utensils unless they ask for them. Kammy Harris said that Americans were sleeping better knowing that she and Old Joe were in charge.
The White House reported that it achieved herd immunity to facts.
A Pew Research survey found that 62 percent of white people who classify themselves as liberal or very liberal have been told by a doctor that they have a mental health condition. (Pew also found that is true of only 26 percent of conservatives and 20 percent of moderates.) The study proves what I’ve said for decades: liberalism is a diagnosable form of mental illness.
May
TSA began allowing illegal aliens to board airliners as long as they had their “alien border record” card, showing whatever name they used when caught and then released.
Some illegals believe they have bad luck if they get caught but there is evidence to the contrary. One group was caught by Yuma, Arizona district border control agents while smuggling methamphetamines. The place they were caught — the bombing range on Luke Air Force Base — wasn’t in use at the time.
There hadn’t been significant inflation in the U.S. economy for many years, but it began to be felt across the nation in mid-May with rising prices of food, gasoline, lumber, and almost everything else. The Babylon Bee reported that Biden proposed a $2 trillion study to determine what was causing inflation.
Albert Watkins, a lawyer representing the January 6 Capitol rioter known as the “QAnon shaman” (the guy who wore a horned hat), said the rioters were “brain damaged” and “f*****g retarded,” which marked a milestone in criminal defense. In a related report, at the beginning of the cicada plague that occurs once every 17 years, researchers at West Virginia University reported that a hallucinogenic fungus turns cicadas into college students, i.e., zombies that crave only sex.
Atlanta City councilman Antonio Brown, who had voted to defund the police and was at the time running to be Atlanta’s new mayor, had his car stolen by a bunch of punks who dragged him behind it until he let go. He called 911. Police response was delayed because several officers in units closest to the incident were doubled over with laughter.
June
DC’s non-voting congressional delegate, Eleanor Holmes Norton, introduced legislation requiring gender equity among crash test dummies. She did not volunteer for the job. In a parallel plea for racial justice, Rep. Alexandria Cutie-Cortez said that the way to end violent crime was to stop building jails.
In Part One of “civilization, as we knew it, has ended,” Nathan’s Famous hot dogs, the Coney Island Noo Yawk landmark, announced that it was adding vegan hot dogs to its menu.
America’s highest-paid bureaucrat, Dr. Tony Fauci, proclaimed that attacks on him were attacks on science. Someone ought to tell him that questioning “established” principles and testing new theories is the most basic principle of the scientific method.
California’s Alameda County admitted that its count of COVID-caused fatalities was exaggerated by at least 25 percent. County officials said that in the future they’d only count the deaths of people who actually died from the disease rather than those of anyone who knew anyone who died from it.
Turkey, already suffering from the reign of Recep Tayayippi Erdogman, suffered a huge outbreak of “sea snot,” a slimy layer of green-gray sludge that clogged waterways, washed up on beaches, and had the potential to kill marine life. Erdogman blamed climate change.
Tennessee resident Robert Miquel Johnson was arrested for murder after trying to sell a car with the body of his dead girlfriend in the back seat. Having celebrated “Birthing Person’s Day” instead of Mother’s Day, the woke idiots (please pardon the redundancy) were undecided on whether to replace Father’s Day with “Lawnmowing Person’s Day” or “Dishwasher-loading Person’s Day.”
President Biden’s summit meeting with Russian President Putin was determined to be a success when Hunter Biden was hired by the Russian company building the Nord Stream 2 gas pipeline to Germany. As the month finally ended the Babylon Bee reported that a transgender “woman” who is part of New Zealand’s Olympic weightlifting team suffered a testicle injury that could keep her from competing in the Summer Olympics. In an unfortunately nonfiction event, another transgender “woman” was crowned Miss Nevada.
July
The Babylon Bee reported that both the Hindenburg disaster and the January 6 riot at the Capitol were both caused by climate change.
When tens of thousands of Cubans took to the streets to demand freedom from communism, a State Department spokesman said that the protests were caused by COVID. Meanwhile, the White House bragged that Joe Biden can eat any amount of ice cream without getting a brain freeze.
In Part Two of “civilization as we knew it has ended,” Sports Illustrated’s annual swimsuit issue had a transgender “woman” model on its cover.
The new term “Bidenflation” entered our daily lexicon. It is defined as consumer price increases caused by reckless government overspending, the prescribed cure for which is more reckless government overspending.
PETA filed a formal complaint with Marine Corps leaders about how the Marines train in the jungles of Thailand. In the course of the annual “Cobra Gold” exercises, Marines eat tarantulas, scorpions, and other bugs. They often catch a king cobra or two — one of the deadliest snakes anywhere — and drink the snakes’ blood as a source of water and just for the hell of it. PETA complained that this is barbaric.
Archeologists confirmed that Pharaoh Ramses II blamed climate change for Moses’s parting of the Red Sea. A study by the South Australian Health and Medical Research Institute found that drinking six cups of coffee a day raised the risk of dementia by 53 percent. What they didn’t report is that not drinking any coffee increases the risk of dementia by 500 percent.
August
Sarah Palin indicated that she might run for the Senate. If she wins, she would be the Republican competition for Cong. Cutie-Cortez. In Seattle, King County Sheriff Mitzi Johanknecht ordered her headquarters staff who work at the sheriff’s office to work from home because of unsafe conditions in and around the county courthouse.
Biden said, “You know, we have roughly 350 million people vaccinated in the United States and billions around the world.” The population of the U.S. is 328 million.
Estes Park, Colorado residents awoke one morning to find that bears had opened the doors of eight cars and rummaged around for food, hairspray, and other stuff. Residents were warned to lock their cars. Two bears with puffed-out fur were later seen carrying sets of lock-picking tools.
Hugely unpopular Veep Kammy Harris decided to improve her image by forming an advisory committee of Hillary Clinton’s former advisers to help.
Liberal reporter Kevin McCallum went to a Vermont gun store that had a range at which he could test fire several firearms. About his first shot with an AR-15 style rifle, caliber 5.56 mm, he wrote, “It is difficult to describe the impact — physical and personal — of that first shot. It felt like a meteor had struck the earth in front of me. A deep shock wave coursed through my body, the recoil rippling through my arms and right shoulder with astounding power. Being that close to an explosion of such magnitude — controlled and focused as it was — rattled me.” McCallum is not a descendant of Davy Crockett or Chesty Puller.
Noo Yawk’s “Love Gov” Andrew Cuomo resigned after an investigation found that he sexually harassed at least eleven women in violation of both Noo Yawk and federal law. Announcing his resignation, Cuomo said, “I love New York. And I love you. Everything I have done was motivated by that love.” Conservatives were shocked that a Democrat was being held accountable for his conduct.
After the sudden pullout of U.S. troops, and as the Taliban quickly reconquered Afghanistan, one CNN moron said of the Taliban, “They’re chanting, ‘Death to America,’ but they seem friendly at the same time.” The Babylon Bee reported that a week after conquering Afghanistan, the Taliban bought several paintings by Hunter Biden for their presidential palace. Wile E. Pelosi filed a third set of articles of impeachment against Donald Trump.
As the month ended, French authorities in Corsica were forced to close the island’s beaches because of cow attacks on tourists.
September
San Francisco announced a new program under which certain “at risk” individuals — i.e., criminals — would be paid between $300 and $500 a month not to shoot anyone. The program will at least give them enough money to buy a decent stolen gun or a lot of ammo. Gov. Gavin Nuisance won a recall vote, proving that democracy assures you get the government you deserve.
In Part 3 of “civilization as we knew it has ended,” the National Archives Records Administration slapped the labels “harmful content” and “harmful or difficult to view” on the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence.
Alexandria Cutie-Cortez wore a gown that was painted in large letters “Tax the Rich” to a gala party that cost $35,000 for each ticket to attend. Meanwhile, as the flood of illegal aliens across our southern border reached a new peak, White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki said, the illegals were “…not intending to stay here for a lengthy period of time.”
As the month ended, crowds at football games and NASCAR races began chanting, “F*** Joe Biden.” An NBC clown reported that they were really cheering, “Let’s go Brandon,” for Brandon Brown, who had won a race at the Talladega track in Alabama.
October
Former twelfth-tier presidential candidate Andrew Yang wrote that when he ran for president it “messed with my head.” How could he tell?
In Turkey, Mr. Beyhan Mutlu got exceedingly drunk and wandered off into the woods. His wife reported his disappearance to local police who sent out search teams. Later Mr. Mutlu encountered a group of rescue workers and joined them. Their search went on for some hours until the group realized that Mr. Mutlu was among them.
Playboy magazine had a cover photo featuring a gay man dressed in a Playboy bunny costume. No further evidence that civilization as we knew it has ended need be reported.
Still hugely unpopular, Veep Kammy Harris released a video touting NASA and space exploration. It was filmed with child actors and produced by a company called “Sinking Ship Entertainment.” In a related report, “Let’s Go Brandon” and “F*** Joe Biden” were chanted at collegiate and professional football games.
The new James Bond movie finally premiered. In it, Bond is killed off and the new 007 is a girl. Oh, yeah. That’s gonna work.
In a parallel event. DC Comics released a new version of Superman, who is now bisexual, and whose motto is changed from fighting for “truth, justice, and the American way” to asking politely for “truth, justice and a better future.”
Millions of Texans rejoiced at a news report that said the Texas legislature passed a law prohibiting Californians from voting when they move to Texas. Saddened to find out that the report was from the Babylon Bee, the Texans resumed chanting, “Let’s go Brandon” or something that sounded a lot like it.
Biden announced vaccination mandates for large companies, health care workers, and the military. Of course, there are no vaccination mandates or testing requirements for the more than two million illegal aliens who entered the country this year.
October
Biden continued to insist that his $3.5 trillion Build Back Bolshevism plan to transform our economy will have zero cost to Chinese and Russian taxpayers. Meanwhile, Wile E. Pelosi scolded the media for not doing a good enough job of selling Biden’s plan. The reporters tugged their forelocks and promised to do better.
Bosses of Noo Yawk’s five mafia families were reportedly reluctant to hand power over to the new generation. They’re worried that the wannabe mob bosses are too fond of their cell phones and texting, which is the source of frequent amusement to the FBI.
The annual Orkin Pest Control city survey found that Chicago was the most rat-infested city in the U.S. and they didn’t even count the mayor or the members of the city council.
Joint Chiefs Chairman Gen. Mark Milley, a living, breathing example of the Peter Principle, said we could partner with the Taliban to fight terrorism in Afghanistan. Meanwhile, the State Department celebrated “International Pronoun Day.” Neither State nor the Pentagon specified what was the proper pronoun to use for hundreds of U.S. civilians Biden and Milley abandoned in Afghanistan.
PETA demanded that Major League Baseball and its fans stop using the term “bullpen” for the place where relief pitchers wait to come into the game.
The “F*** Joe Biden” chant was so loud at one American League Championship Series game, it drowned out the Fox Sports post-game announcers. Meanwhile, rap star Loza Alexander’s “Let’s go Brandon” ballad hit Number 1 on the music charts.
Facebook changed its name to “Meta.” In the 1960s, Chevrolet’s “Nova” model wasn’t selling in South America, and GM’s geniuses couldn’t figure out why. That lasted until someone told them that “no va” means “doesn’t go” in Spanish. In Hebrew, “Facebook Meta” means “Facebook is dead.”
November
Hundreds of world leaders and hangers-on arrived in Glasgow for the big “COP26” climate change summit. The over 400 aircraft they arrived in put out as much carbon emissions as Scotland does in a year. Biden dozed off while the opening speeches were being given. Prince Charlie’s wife, the Duchess of Somethingorother, insisted that Biden farted very loudly and odoriferously while standing near her.
The CDC approved the Pfizer Covid vaccine for children aged 5 to11 and warned if they didn’t get the shot, Pfizer executives would get smaller Christmas bonuses.
Biden insisted that his spending ($1.9 trillion in COVID stimulus, $1.2 trillion on infrastructure, and proposed $1.75 trillion — really $4+ trillion — on social spending) was the way to reduce inflation. After delighting her French hosts with a cheesy Clouseau-like accent in Paris, Kammy Harris visited NASA. She asked if the space guys could compare the number of trees in black neighborhoods to that in white neighborhoods in pursuit of “environmental justice.” Another version of “Let’s Go Brandon” was a Christmas song.
San Diego police were calling what was happening to stores there and in other California cities “looting,” but decided that it was a racist word. It’s now “organized robbery” in California.
When yet a new COVID variant was named, the Babylon Bee reported a puff of white smoke had been seen rising from a chimney at the Wuhan Institute of Virology. The World Health Organization, which did its best to parrot the Chinese government’s propaganda on Kung Flu, skipped the Greek letter “Xi” and named the new COVID variant “Omicron.”
December
A year-long study into extremism in the military, ordered by Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin, concluded that to eliminate extremism in the military the Pentagon’s only course of action was to ban the Marine Corps.
The Omicron COVID variant was found to be a very mild version. It causes the sort of muscle soreness and exhaustion that usually result from a hard day’s work. That accounts for liberals’ panic about the Omicron virus.
Kammy Harris, out promoting the COVID vaccines, said that virtually everyone now hospitalized with COVID had been vaccinated previously. CNN announced that it had more employees than viewers.
Two hippopotami in a Belgian zoo were found to be COVID-infected after nasal swabs were performed with the world’s largest Q-Tips. After San Francisco’s shopping districts having been made ghost towns by large looting mobs, the city council decided to provide some relief to retailers. They did so by delaying imposition of the city’s tax on marijuana for a year.
Hillary Clinton tearfully read what was to have been her 2016 victory speech to an NBC “master class” while rolling two steel balls in her hand. She congratulated herself for beating Trump and insisted that she could find the missing quart of strawberries.
With Biden’s fading poll numbers came the rumor that Hillary would run again in 2024. We of the scribbling class haven’t lived good enough lives to be blessed with that occurrence.
While speaking with NORAD officers, children, and parents tracking Santa Claus on Christmas Eve, one father mocked Biden by saying “Let’s go Brandon.” Biden responded by saying “Let’s go, Brandon, I agree.”
So let’s brace ourselves against the storm of idiocy that 2022 will bring, march into it chanting, “Let’s Go Brandon” and pray that the Republicans don’t blow it in November. Happy New Year, everyone, and good luck. We’re going to need it.