Blessings and peace be upon you in the name of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. You may wonder how I can say this as a Jew. Well, I place my faith in the fact that Jesus was a Jewish carpenter. I also believe in his words when he saith, “it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a Russian to enter Ukraine“. Let him who has ears, hear. They who rightly divide the word of God shall calculate that Vladimir Putin is the antichrist. Hallelujah. He is also a racist, white supremacist, homophobe, misogynist, Nazi, Commie, and thug. He is the father of Deplorables.
Although we are buffeted on all sides by Satan (Putin) we rejoice for we know the Lord grants victory to the Righteous (Ukrainians). In the beginning, the Lord said to Father Abrahamovitch that we are His Chosen and the land of Kviv will be ours forever and ever. Yea, he has made us a warrior people. That’s a picture of me on the left. Does it not strike FEAR in you? Of course it does. (I think I look dashing in that Israeli made Level IIIa helmet. I never leave home without it.)
Anyway, the strength of any nation is in its people. I just yesterday got by DNA results from 23 & Me, and this is what they found; 30% Mongol, 25% Viking, 20% Roman soldier, 15% T-Rex, 5% Comanche, 4% Sikh, and 1% Polish. We Ukrainians are the new superhumans. Now you can see that your MSM is 100% correct — we have punished with great harm and loss the demonic hordes from Gog & Magog. Victory is just a week or so away. Although, I must admit sometimes I am afraid the Polish blood in us is gonna totally f*ck things up for us in the long run.
Before I get to the real reason for writing to you, my beloved, let me first say how much I appreciate the verbal beat-down your Ambassador to the United Nations, Linda Greenfield, is giving Vlad The Impaler. Such intelligence! Are all American women this beautiful?
In the spirit of full disclose I must admit to you that Ukraine is not a perfect country. We have two main shortcomings. First, we have throughout the modern era constantly asked, and then demanded, Free Stuff from the world’s nations. Second, we never take responsibility for anything. Our self-inflicted wounds are always someone else’s fault. What I am saying is that I identify with this woman of color, and I love her.
You won’t believe this but I actually met her a long time ago. I was in NYC (doing a gig at the Improv) and she was outside running a hot dog cart. And now she represents your country to the world! America, what a country! Only in America can a wrestler and a body builder become governors, a transvestite run the military, a prostitute become vice president, and a reality star become president. God’s Grace is using America to create inclusion, diversity, and heaven on earth.
Side Note: Watching CNN has been such a blessing to me! Specifically, my heart melts with gratitude when I see in your cities, great and small, the thousands of Americans rallying for my countrymen. It seems there are millions of Ukrainians in America. But permit me, just this one time, to pick a bone with you. Where is our voice on the Supreme Court?? Does it not state in your Constitution that the Supreme Court “must look like America“? I do understand your president is looking for a black woman. Well, I bring you tidings of great joy … we have one of those in the village of Yerkhanov, and she told me she’s willing to give up her Kielbassi cart business to serve you.
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Sorry for the distraction. I now wish to report to you the truth regarding our casualties. The 300+ reported dead are indeed dead …. but, they all had Covid, were fat, and unvaxxed. Just sayin’. Not that I mind the error, because dead civilians, especially old people, women, and children, are simply invaluable in generating hate … and donations. My public relations people tell me we get about a million dollars within hours of broadcasting another dead baby story.
Bottom line is that we have suffered only two casualties at the hands of the Russians. Again, we are damn near invincible. The casualty was a poor, destitute, beautiful, innocent young Ukrainian lady, with her entire future in front of her, and she was pregnant with child, when a Russian soldier sliced her open and threw the baby in a boiling pot of Borscht. We are trying to raise money for a proper funeral, so please donate whatever you can, as soon as you can. We only need $25 million dollars.
On the other hand, we Ukrainians have killed 13,271 Russians, blew up 745 tanks, downed 18 Sukoi fighters, and wiped out an entire squadron of attack helicopters. One 12 year old girl destroyed a heavy cannon with her homemade Molotov cocktail. An 83 year old grandmother is shoving poison-laced daisies up the asses of every Russkie soldier she sees. And even dogs are joining our Resistance.
Do not concern yourselves with the maps showing which areas of Ukraine are controlled by Russia. All those places are in flyover country and we don’t give a crap about them.
Do not concern yourselves with Putin’s threat to use nuclear bombs. Should they start falling from the sky, we will simply look up, shake our fists and cry out, “Fuck you, Russian A-Bombs!!” …. just before we escape our earthly bodies to be with the Lord.
I want to give a quick shout out to the German people. Yesterday Germany declared that it will increase it’s military budget from $40 Billion to a whopping $120 Billion. Praise be to Almighty God. History has shown that only good things happen when Germany is the dominate power in Europe.
Picture of Kiev taken yesterday. As you can see, the destruction is akin to that of Dresden in WWII. This is a mostly violent war.
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Before I get to the real reason for writing to you, my beloved, permit me to offer just a few possible Action Items to help us out;
—-2) Putin has a checking account at Hoboken Credit Union. Please burn them down.
—-3) There are some in America, such as on theburningplatform.com who refer to me as an “Ass-klown Dictator”. Please prosecute this is a hate crime. All I know is that Justin Trudeau would have already had this guy stripped naked and given 40 lashes.
—-4) Please consider buying one of our bumper stickers. They are only $50 each. Proceeds go to The Big Guy Foundation. Choices are; “Ukrainian Borders Matter“, “We are all Ukies“, “Ukies Love Hunter“, and “Putin sucks DDD“.
—-5) Please send us all your empty gallon milk containers so that our children can continue making Molotov cocktails without interruption.
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Brother Biden! I briefly digress to exhort you concerning your State Of The Union address tonight. First, I think your title “A thousand more promises I can’t possibly keep” needs a little more positivity. Look, let us speak truth to one another, as iron sharpens iron; you’re facing a lot of problems in America right now, and half the people think you’re friggin meshiginah in the head. Do you know the solutions are right in front of you?
Inflation problems? “It’s the Russian Invasion!” High gas prices? “It’s the Russian Invasion!” Covid pandemic? “It’s the Russian Invasion!” Supply chain problems? “It’s the Russian Invasion!” Crime everywhere? “It’s the Russian Invasion!” Empty shelves? “It’s the Russian Invasion!” No avocados? “It’s the Russian Invasion!” Yea, it’s that easy. Oh, by the way, regarding that Russian invasion? TRUMP’S fault!!! You are the luckiest s.o.b. on the planet.
A couple other tweaks. I would expect that you call Putin a “thug” at least six times. You might want to compare him to Hitler. Paint the conflict as Pure Good vs Pure Evil. Tell the people you are either for Ukraine, or against Ukraine … and threaten sanctions against the latter. A memorable closing is always a plus. May I suggest, “Russia hates us for our freedoms!“?
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Finally, let me state my main purpose for writing. I have already taken up too much of your time so, let me be bold and brief: $$$ ME AND MY COUNTRY NEED MONEY. $$$
Lest I appear ungrateful, let me profusely thank you for the one billion dollars you sent just in the past year.
But, pardon my boldness, the United States government spends $17.3 BILLION PER DAY !!! So, that billion we get from you is not even one hour’s worth of spending! You are doing the Lord’s work in Ukraine! How would He feel with your niggardly contribution?
The Lord came to me in a dream last night and said, “For 3 days I suffered in hell for your sins, and on the 3rd I was raised, so beseech Caesar Biden for 3 days wages.“. So, there you have it …. God says you must give us $51.9 Billion dollars. Praise the Lord, it shall be returned to you 100 fold, pressed down and shaken together. If it helps speed things along just send us the printing press, $100 plates, paper and ink, and we’ll handle it from there.
Of course, you are going to have to sell this. That ought to be quite easy. The United States hasn’t been this united since the day after 9/11. Trump = Sanders = Republicans = Pelosi = Fox News = Pelosi = Democrats = The Squad = CPAC = every Tom, Dick and Harry in America singing from the same song sheet.
Still, just to be safe, you must evoke sympathy and deep sadness. As always, bring in the children and brave soldiers. As such, I am forwarding to you a copy of the Save Ukie Christian Kids And Saintly Soldiers act. Or, the SUCK ASS act, for short. Since American citizens have been taking it up the ass for decades now, this should easily pass 535-0. Be sure to offer an “I SUCK ASS” bumper stick for a low low price of$100.
Finally, in closing, let me thank the AMERICAN PEOPLE for their willingness to sacrifice. When gas hits $8 /gal this summer, when a Big Mac & Coke costs $15, when you start to doubt if supporting sucking ass was a good idea, just remember this YOU SAVED DEMOCRACY because if Ukraine falls, every democracy on earth will also fall. I award you the HERO OF URAINE Award!!
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BRIEF RESPONSE FROM GENERAL “BIG NICK” STUCKY (U.S.A.F., RET.)
Dear Assklown Dictator,
First and foremost, you should be grateful that the majority of Americans forget political events more than a week old. You should fall on your knees and kiss the collective asses of every Mainstream Media person, every politician, and everyone of the social media platforms for; 1) not mentioning that Ukraine had a democratically elected government that was overthrown by your own Nazi’s and with the help of the CIA, and 2) that YOU have MURDERED 16,000+ of your own citizens.
I predict you will have an “OH CRAP!!” moment when you hear Biden’s speech tonight. More empty words and promises. You hooked up with evil and now you will wonder “What the hell was I thinking??!“
Russia will not be stopped, no matter what lies you tell yourself.
No one is coming to save you. Europe won’t save you. America won’t save you. Hiding won’t save you. You fate is sealed.
YOU could have prevented ALL of this; 1) Don’t join NATO. 2) Don’t pursue acquiring weapons that threaten Russia. How hard is that? Was it worth it? You’ll have an eternity in hell to think about it.
Lastly, a word from the Lord. Daniel Chapter 5, verse 25.
Mene, mene, tekel, upharsin
In plain English …